How do you repair what made you vulnerable?
Healing the wounds they used to get in.
Abuse doesn’t just happen at random — it exploits cracks in our foundation. Many male survivors were conditioned to be agreeable, avoid conflict, take responsibility for others’ emotions, or chase approval to feel safe. These aren’t flaws — they’re adaptations. But if you don’t heal them, they leave the door open for future harm.
This section helps you understand why you were vulnerable to manipulation — and how to strengthen the parts of you that deserve protection, not blame.
"...vulnerability is not weakness; it's our most accurate measure of courage...when the barrier to vulnerability is about safety, the question becomes: 'Are we willing to create courageous spaces so we can be fully seen?”
– Brene Brown
Why You Were Easy to Manipulate
Abusers often prey on people who are empathetic, loyal, adaptable, and eager to do the right thing — especially if those traits were shaped by early environments where love had to be earned or conflict had to be avoided. You weren’t stupid. You were trained to disconnect from your own needs to stay safe. [See here for the trigger tracker template]
With appropriate therapy you can explore the roots — and start rebuilding from strength.
What this might look like:
- You over-explained or justified things constantly, even when you weren’t at fault
- You felt like you had to earn love or prove you weren’t a bad person
- You gave the benefit of the doubt — even after repeated harm
- You felt responsible for her moods, reactions, or wellbeing
- You believed if you just stayed calm or kind enough, things would improve
What helps:
- Name the pattern. Say: “I was trained to please. That’s not consent — that’s conditioning.”
- Stop pathologising your empathy. You didn’t fall for abuse because you were broken — you fell because someone exploited your loyalty - not that loyalty and empathy are bad.
- Reflect on where the pattern started. Often, these habits come from early relationships: a critical parent, inconsistent love, or being praised for being “easy.”
- Notice when you leave yourself to keep the peace. That moment of tension — where you go quiet, explain too much, or agree when you don’t — is the entry point.
- Practise micro-boundaries. Say no. Pause before replying. Let someone be disappointed. These small acts start to undo the deeper wiring.
Undoing Shame and False Guilt
You didn’t cause the abuse — but you were conditioned to believe you did.
Abuse creates confusion. You start apologising for things that weren’t your fault. You take responsibility for someone else’s choices. Over time, guilt becomes your default emotion — and shame convinces you that you deserved what happened.
With the right therapeutic support, you can untangle what’s yours to hold — and what never was.
What this might look like:
- You replay old arguments, wondering what you “should have done differently”
- You feel bad for leaving, even when it was unsafe to stay
- You blame yourself for being “difficult,” “needy,” or “not good enough”
- You feel ashamed for staying too long — or not seeing it sooner
- You apologise, even when no one has asked for one
What helps:
- Separate guilt from responsibility. Guilt says, “I did something bad.” Shame says, “I am bad.” Neither belong to you in this context.
- Say what’s true. “I was doing the best I could in a situation designed to confuse me.”
- Talk it through in therapy. A trauma-informed therapist can help you challenge internalised narratives and replace them with reality.
- Notice inherited shame. Were you taught to keep the peace? To never speak badly of others? To earn love by being “good”? That’s where it began.
- Stop arguing with the past. You didn’t fail. You survived. And you can build from here.
Emotional Ownership Framework
Healing starts when you stop carrying what was never yours.
For years, you may have felt emotions that were automatic — guilt, shame, confusion, panic — and believed they were yours. But often, those feelings were planted, rehearsed, or reinforced by the abusive dynamic. Over time, they became internalised. Familiar. Heavy.
This framework helps you slow down and ask: Is this mine? Or did it serve someone else? [See here for the Emotional Ownership template]
What this might look like:
- You feel guilty for setting a boundary
- You feel ashamed for having needs or preferences
- You second-guess yourself constantly in simple decisions
- You feel anxious when someone is disappointed in you
- You apologise instinctively, even when you’ve done nothing wrong
How to do it:
Ask these five questions when a strong emotional reaction shows up — especially when it feels out of proportion or confusing:
- What am I feeling? Name it clearly — shame, guilt, fear, self-loathing, sadness.
- Why is this feeling so strong right now? Does it tap into something from your past — being blamed, silenced, punished for speaking up?
- How was I made to feel this? Was this feeling triggered by a tactic — blame-shifting, gaslighting, guilt-tripping?
- Who benefits from me feeling this? If you feel this way, what happens? Do you become smaller, more compliant, easier to control?
- So… should I really be feeling this? Does the feeling reflect truth? Or is it a reaction that no longer serves you?
Why it matters:
Each time you walk through this process, you reclaim a little more ground. You unhook from the shame that wasn’t yours. You learn to trust yourself again — not just in theory, but in the moment.
Ending the Pattern
Breaking the cycle isn’t just about avoiding abusers. It’s about recognising when you abandon yourself. When you laugh things off that hurt. When you tolerate uncertainty for too long. When you confuse anxiety with chemistry. These are the moments where the old patterns try to reassert themselves. Sometimes, it means recognising when a survival tool — like staying quiet, people-pleasing, or overexplaining — is no longer protecting you, but preventing connection.
Ending the pattern means catching those moments — and choosing differently. [See here for the trigger tracker template]
What this might look like:
- Feeling pulled toward people who are intense, inconsistent, or hard to please
- Suppressing your instincts to “give it a chance”
- Feeling anxiety and calling it attraction
- Ignoring red flags because you don’t want to “judge too soon”
- Staying quiet when something feels off — then regretting it later
What helps:
- Name the override. “That felt wrong — and I talked myself out of it.”
- Track your body. Does your chest tighten, your gut drop, your jaw clench? That’s wisdom — not weakness.
- Use your therapist as a mirror. Bring these early moments into session. It’s easier to see the pattern with support.
- Practise discomfort. You don’t have to be “comfortable” with a boundary to hold it. Tension doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.
- Build a new internal signal system. The more you honour your instincts, the louder and clearer they become.
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