How do you heal your mind and body?
Understand your trauma. Settle your system. Begin to feel like yourself again.
When you’ve survived abuse, your nervous system doesn’t just bounce back — it stays on high alert. You might feel disconnected, anxious, numb, reactive, or hyperaware of every possible threat. This is your body trying to protect you — but over time, it starts working against you.
Healing the Mind and Body is where you begin to stabilise the impact of abuse. This page focuses on helping male survivors understand what’s happening inside them, make sense of the symptoms, and gently begin the work of emotional and physiological recovery.
It’s also where you begin to let go of survival tools that once kept you safe — like shutting down or scanning for danger — but now prevent you from feeling grounded, connected, and alive.
It does not replace clinical therapy - we encourage you to seek a trauma-informed therapist to support your journey to recovery.
“People are afraid to heal because their entire identity is centered around the trauma they’ve experienced. They have no idea who they are outside of trauma and that unknown is terrifying.”
– Ebonee Davis
How To Choose The Right Therapist
Here’s how to approach it in a way that works for you:
- Look for trauma-informed, not just ‘qualified’. Ask if they have experience with complex trauma, emotional abuse, or covert control — and specifically with male clients.
- Everyone responds differently — there’s no one ‘right’ therapy. But these modalities may be helpful:
- EMDR – good for processing trauma loops and flashbacks without needing to retell every detail
- Somatic Therapy – reconnects you with your body when you’ve shut down or gone numb
- IFS (Internal Family Systems) – helps separate the “parts” of you (like the people-pleaser, rage-holder, or fixer) so they stop fighting internally
- Schema Therapy – targets deeper beliefs and emotional patterns that left you vulnerable to abuse
- CBT – useful for spiralling or distorted thinking, though often best after safety is re-established
- Interview them like a professional. It’s okay to ask:
“Have you worked with men in high-conflict custody or abuse situations?”
“How do you approach clients who’ve been misjudged by systems?” - Watch how they respond to uncertainty. If they seem uncomfortable with nuance or eager to label you too quickly — they may not be the right fit.
- It’s okay to walk away. Some discomfort is normal in therapy. But if you leave feeling more confused, ashamed, or destabilised, say something. You’re not failing therapy — it just might not be the right therapist.
Recognising The Signs Of Abuse In A Man
You weren’t weak. You were adapting.
When you live in abuse — especially covert or emotional abuse — your nervous system learns to protect you. Even after the relationship ends, those survival responses can stick around.
Here’s how to recognise them — and start working with them:
Recognise your trauma responses:
These are not personality flaws — they’re adaptive responses to long-term stress and fear:
- Freeze – You shut down, go blank, or can’t find words under pressure.
- Fawn – You appease, over-explain, or apologise quickly to keep the peace.
- Fight – You become reactive or defensive — sometimes snapping when you don’t mean to.
- Flight – You avoid conflict, get busy, or mentally escape to feel in control.
What this can look like:
- You go numb or shut down during difficult conversations
- You spiral after messages from your ex
- You feel foggy, disconnected, or like you’re performing
- You people-please or avoid disagreement — even when it hurts you
- You don’t feel present with your kids, even though you care deeply
How to work with it:
- Name what’s happening. Mentally say: “This is a freeze response,” or “I’m fawning right now.”
- Come back to your body. Plant your feet on the ground, scan your body, or use cold water to reset.
- Use rhythm to regulate. Walk, breathe slowly, or stretch. It tells your nervous system you’re safe.
- Support the response, don’t fight it. If you’re frozen, move gently. If you’re angry, breathe slowly.
- Track your triggers. Write down: “What happened? How did I feel? What did I do?” Patterns will appear. [See here for the trigger tracker template]
Grieving What Was Lost
You’re not grieving her — you’re grieving what you thought life would be.
Abuse confuses grief. You may miss someone who hurt you. You may mourn the dream, the family, or the version of yourself who believed it could work.
Here’s how to process that without shame.
What this might look like:
- Missing her, even when you know she harmed you
- Longing for the family unit, the shared memories, or the idea of “being chosen”
- Feeling ashamed that you didn’t leave sooner — or stayed longer than you “should have”
- Mourning who you were before the relationship — confident, hopeful, free
What helps:
- Name the grief. Say: “I’m grieving the version of the life I thought I had.”
- Write letters you don’t send. To her. To yourself. To the family you wanted.
- Feel it in your body. Grief is physical. Let it move through — shaking, crying, collapsing — without shame.
- Don’t shame the love. If you loved her, it doesn’t mean the abuse wasn’t real. You’re allowed to grieve both.
Acknowledging Your Own Mistakes
Healing includes facing the parts of ourselves we’re not proud of. Many men regret things they said or did while under pressure, stress, or emotional overload. That doesn’t make you the abuser — it makes you human.
What this might look like:
- Feeling guilt over how you spoke during conflict
- Regretting moments where you shut down, withdrew, or lashed out
- Wondering whether you were “just as bad” — even if you know the bigger picture
What helps:
- Talk through it in therapy — it’s possible to feel regret without taking on false blame
- Reflect honestly: Were you reacting, surviving, or controlling? The difference matters
- Remember: Owning your actions helps you grow — not punish yourself
Avoiding The Bitterness Trap
Bitterness isn’t the wound — it’s the infection that can follow.
When you’ve been deeply hurt and systemically unheard, bitterness can feel like the only thing strong enough to hold you up. But it doesn’t hold you — it hardens you. And it’s not who you really are.
This trap turns pain into armour. But that armour keeps the world out — including the good.
What this might look like:
- Dismissing all women as untrustworthy, manipulative, or selfish
- Feeling disgust when you see happy couples or loving families
- Replaying your abuse story as proof that love isn’t real
- Resisting hope, softness, or connection — afraid it makes you weak
- Isolating to stay “safe,” but ending up lonely and angry
What helps:
- Acknowledge the anger. It’s valid. Let it move — don’t let it root.
- Separate your pain from people. One woman hurt you. Not all women are her.
- Find male spaces that don’t preach hate — ones that honour your healing, not your rage.
- Say: “I can grieve what happened to me without becoming what happened to me.”
- Rebuild trust in yourself first. That’s where healthy connection starts.
Caring For The Body After Abuse
Trauma lives in the body. Healing needs to happen there, too.
Even if the abuse was emotional, your body remembers it. You may feel tense, foggy, bloated, wired, or flat — often without knowing why.
What this might look like:
- Weight loss or gain, especially around the stomach
- Insomnia, shallow breathing, tight chest
- Restlessness, fatigue, or “wired but tired”
- Disconnection from your body — avoiding mirrors, sex, or touch
- Feeling numb or explosive and not knowing why
What helps:
- Gentle movement daily. Walking, stretching, swimming, or basic strength training
- Nourishing food, not punishment. Eat real meals — not just snacks or stimulants. Avoid fasting or restriction if you’re in survival mode.
- Sleep rituals. Same bedtime. Dim lights early. No screens in bed. Even if you don’t sleep, rest.
- Regulate your breath. Exhale longer than you inhale. Try box breathing. It calms your nervous system faster than thinking can.
- Track energy patterns. Keep a simple log: what gives you energy, what drains it. Work with your rhythms — not against them.
Releasing The Abuse Story
It happened. It shaped you. But it doesn’t define you.
You don’t have to relive what happened forever. Releasing the story isn’t about forgetting — it’s about loosening its grip. You can hold your truth without having it be your identity.
Here’s how to begin that process
What this might look like:
- Constantly explaining what happened — even to yourself
- Needing others to “get it” in order to feel valid
- Revisiting old messages, timelines, or reports to prove (even to yourself) that it was abuse
- Getting stuck in the identity of “survivor” — without knowing who you are beyond that
What helps:
- Speak it once — clearly. Write or voice-record your story from start to finish, just for you. Say it all. Then put it down.
- Notice when you loop. Ask: “Is this helping me heal — or keeping me stuck?”
- Stop seeking permission. If you know it was abuse, you don’t need everyone else to agree. Their disbelief doesn’t invalidate your truth.
- Build a story beyond the trauma. Who are you when you’re not explaining or defending? Start there.
- Let silence be enough. You don’t always need a comeback. Not everyone deserves your explanation
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