How do you exit an abusive relationship?

General

• Listen to your lawyer.
  They’re your strategic partner. Understand their reasoning, ask questions, and stay engaged in the process.
• Avoid assuming verbal agreements will be honoured.
  If it's not in writing, it doesn’t exist — especially post-separation. Insist on formal documentation for everything.
• Watch for informal “temporary” arrangements becoming permanent.
  Even casual “just for now” setups can become a legal or psychological baseline. If unavoidable, then attempt to ensure everything is documented and time-bound to minimise the risk they become "permanent".
• Avoid signing anything under pressure.
  You are never obliged to sign immediately. Always take proposed agreements to your lawyer first.

On communiction with the abuser

• Keep a communication log.
  Use a co-parenting app or secure file to record messages, requests, and incidents. Helps track patterns and protects you in disputes.

On parenting / custody

• Seek equal parental responsibility (if appropriate in your situation).
  Especially for long-term decisions — like education, health, and religion. Don’t assume it’s automatic, even if you've always shared these responsibilities.
• Avoid language like “lives with mum, spends time with dad.”
  It creates a hierarchy. Use terms like “shared care,” or “lives with both parents” to reflect true equity.
• Avoid vague wording.
  Phrases like “reasonable time” or “as agreed between the parties” can cause conflict. Be specific with days, times, holidays, and changeovers.
• Be clear about changeover procedures.
  Document precise times and locations. This removes ambiguity and reduces the chance of tension or manipulation.
• Capture events of cultural significance.
  Include Diwali, Christmas, birthdays, or any other events that matter to you or your family — so they don’t become flashpoints.
• Ensure school and daycare communication is shared.
  Request that both parents be listed for direct updates. Don’t rely on one parent to forward important information.
• Request equal access to records and documents.
  Explicitly include access to school reports, medical records, and other key updates — directly from providers.
• Consider a right of first refusal clause on custody.
  If one parent is unavailable during their time, the other gets first option to care for the child — instead of defaulting to third parties.
• Specify how disagreements are escalated.
  Outline a clear process: discussion, then mediation, then legal advice. This shows maturity and avoids unnecessary litigation.
• Include digital communication rights.
  Ensure your connection continues on non-care days via phone or video — and specify frequency and timing.
• Address travel and passport rights.
  Clarify who holds the children’s passports, and whether both parents must consent to international travel.

On third parties

• When engaging with Police and CPS
  Keep your communication calm, factual, and child-focused. Avoid emotional language or blame — focus on safety, wellbeing, and outcomes for the children

On optional considerations (if suitable for your situation)

• Clarify how disputes will be resolved.
  Include a family dispute resolution clause before court action is allowed. This helps reduce adversarial approaches.
• Stipulate expectations around new partners.
  If helpful, define boundaries around when/how children are introduced to new partners — e.g. minimum timeframe or mutual agreement.
• Include provisions for emergency care and backup arrangements.
  Plan for what happens if one parent is sick, injured, or temporarily unable to care for the children.
• Add a clause prohibiting derogatory remarks in front of the children.
  Even if rarely enforced, it reflects a child-focused intent and sets behavioural expectations for both parties.