How do you show up for your children?
Parenting while healing — with presence, steadiness, and self-trust.
Abuse doesn’t just affect you — it affects how you parent. Even after you’ve left, the trauma lingers: in your reactivity, your absence, your need to overcompensate, or your fear of repeating patterns. You might second-guess yourself constantly — or feel numb and detached when you want to be close.
This page is about rebuilding the foundation beneath your fatherhood — not perfect parenting, but present parenting. The kind that doesn’t abandon you or your kids.
"The best way to teach your children about respect is to show them what it looks like when you give it to yourself."
— Unknown
Self-Care for Fathers
Looking after yourself isn’t optional — it’s parenting.
When you’ve survived abuse, it’s easy to focus all your energy on protecting or providing for your children. But if you’re running on fumes, stuck in survival mode, or emotionally shut down, they feel it — even if you’re trying your best.
Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s the foundation that helps you parent with presence.
What this might look like:
- Snapping at your kids, then feeling ashamed
- Struggling to sleep, eat properly, or rest
- Numbing out with distractions, substances, or overworking
- Avoiding play, touch, or closeness — even though you want it
- Feeling like a shell of yourself, going through the motions
What helps:
- Start with basics. Eat regularly. Move your body. Get sunlight. Drink water. You don’t need to optimise — you just need to stabilise.
- Treat sleep like a health condition. No screens in bed. Wind down slowly. If your mind races, try audio stories or white noise.
- Notice how stress shows up in your body. Tight jaw? Short breath? Headaches? Don’t ignore the signs — stretch, breathe, walk.
- Ask: “What would help me feel 5% more human right now?” You don’t need a transformation. You need traction.
- Be honest with your kids. “Dad’s feeling tired and needs a moment, but I’m still here.” That’s modelling regulation — not failure.
Being Present With Your Kids
You don’t need to be perfect — you need to be emotionally available.
When you’re healing, it’s normal to feel distracted, reactive, or distant — especially if your nervous system is still in a protective state. But presence isn’t about constant joy or attention. It’s about being attuned, calm, and connected — even in small moments. [See here for Parenting Programs].
What this might look like:
- You’re physically there, but feel emotionally flat or disengaged
- You play, but your mind is elsewhere
- You avoid eye contact, cuddles, or emotionally heavy conversations
- You feel guilty for not being “fun” or “enough”
- You panic when your child is upset, because you don’t trust yourself to comfort them
What helps:
- One minute of full attention. No phone. No multitasking. Just eye contact, laughter, or listening. Quality over quantity.
- Narrate your presence. “I love being with you,” or “I’m really listening.” This anchors both of you.
- Use co-regulation. Match your breath to theirs, sit beside them silently, or place your hand on your heart. It’s soothing for both of you.
- Repair when needed. “I got frustrated before — that wasn’t about you. I love you.” That moment matters more than the mistake.
- Build small rituals. A handshake. A silly phrase. A bedtime song. These help kids feel safe — and help you feel connected.
Fatherhood While Healing
You don’t have to be healed to be a good dad.
You’re going to have rough days. You’ll doubt yourself. You’ll fall short. That doesn’t mean you’re failing — it means you’re human. Fatherhood during recovery isn’t about being bulletproof. It’s about showing up consistently, even when you’re still rebuilding. [See here for Parenting Programs]
What this might look like:
- Feeling like you’re not “stable enough” to parent
- Comparing yourself to your ex or to other dads
- Wanting to withdraw to avoid messing things up
- Overcompensating with gifts, treats, or rule-bending
- Struggling to set boundaries because you feel guilty
What helps:
- Redefine “good enough.” Your kids don’t need a superhero — they need a safe, honest, present dad.
- Let go of the image. You don’t need to look like you’ve got it together, you don't need to be perfect. You need to keep showing up.
- Parent from your values, not your fear. Ask: “What do I want to teach here?” instead of “How do I avoid conflict or rejection?”
- Don’t try to be both parents. Be your version of “Dad.” That’s enough.
- Use therapy to hold the emotional load. Don’t dump it on your kids, but don’t carry it all alone either.
Supporting Your Children’s Healing
Even if your kids didn’t witness everything, they feel the impact of the environment they’ve lived in. Confusion, loyalty binds, fear, or withdrawal — these are common in children who’ve been exposed to family conflict or abuse. You can’t shield them from everything, but you can be their steady place to land. [See here for finding therapist]
What this might look like:
- Your child asking hard questions about your ex or the separation
- Sudden emotional outbursts or withdrawal after visits
- Clinginess, nightmares, or anxiety around changeovers
- Mimicking harmful behaviours they’ve seen or heard
- Trying to protect you emotionally, even though they’re just a child
What helps:
- Use calm, age-appropriate language to explain that what happened wasn’t their fault — and that they’re safe now.
- Keep your tone measured and never denigrate your ex. Say things like: “Some adults struggle to manage their feelings safely. That’s not your fault.”
- Offer consistency and warmth — regular routines, affection, and a sense of stability help rewire safety.
- Let them express big feelings without needing to fix or dismiss them. Say: “That makes sense. I’m here.”
- Encourage play, movement, and creative expression — healing doesn’t always come through words.
If needed, involve a child psychologist or counsellor — but ensure they’re trauma-informed and understand the family context.
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