How do you survive abuse?

The best way to survive abuse is to get out - if there is a genuinely rational reason you can't, then you need to fortify yourself.

Having the right tools at hand will help you blunt your triggers, and minimise the risk to you and your loved ones during abuse. These will fortify your emotional and psychological strength and begin the work of reducing the abusers hold on you.

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“You might not think you are strong enough to leave, but you are. You might not think you can cope, but you can. Look at what you’re coping with already. There is a brighter future without abuse, where you can be yourself. Reach out, ask for help. Change your life.”
- Rebecca – DA survivor

Engaging with the Abuser

When you’re trapped in an abusive relationship, it can feel like every word and action you take is scrutinised or used against you. Here are some tools to help you navigate interactions and minimize the harm the abuser can cause.

"This is a trap" mindset

Start with awareness. Remind yourself that abusive interactions are often designed to provoke, guilt, or manipulate.

When the abuser blames, guilts, or baits you, say to yourself (mentally)"This is a trap" [See here for an Incident Log Template]

This helps you stay mentally one step removed and resist being drawn in emotionally.

Name that tactic

When you recognise gaslighting, blame-shifting, or baiting, mentally label it.

Identify behaviours like gaslighting, projection, blame-shifting, or baiting in real time.

Say to yourself, “This is triangulation”, “This is projection”, or "This is guilt tripping"

[See here for a trigger tracker template]

This helps you detach emotionally and retain clarity during the exchange.

Grey Rock

Make yourself uninteresting to the abuser by responding with minimal emotion and detail.

Be boring, flat, and disengaged.

Don’t show emotion, react to insults, or volunteer extra information. Keep your tone flat and your energy low.

This deprives the abuser of the drama or emotional reaction they crave.

J.A.D.E.

Don’t Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain

Avoid the urge to justify yourself or explain your decisions. These responses only open the door to manipulation.

Instead, use calm, non-committal responses like “I’m not discussing that,” or simply repeat your boundary.

JADE reminds you that you do not owe emotional labour or reasoning to someone who’s trying to control you.

Respond, Don't React

Take a pause before you say or do anything.

Abusers thrive on triggering quick emotional reactions.

Take a breath or count to five before replying. If needed, step away from the conversation.

This gives you time to choose a calm, intentional response rather than reacting emotionally.

It allows you to retain your power and reduce escalation.

Scripted Responses

Prepare neutral, repeatable phrases.

Choose a few calm phrases to use consistently, such as:

“I hear you.”
“Let’s keep this about the children.”
“I’m not engaging in this right now.”

Practise them so they come naturally under stress.

These help you avoid being drawn into chaos and maintain consistency.

Tactical Silence

Silence can be a powerful boundary.

You are not obligated to respond to provocation, baiting, or emotional blackmail.

If it’s safe, walk away, or simply don’t respond to non-essential messages or comments.

Use silence to de-escalate, deny attention, and maintain your emotional energy.

B.I.F.F.

Use this especially for written communication, [BIFF examples here] especially about children or logistics:

Keep it Brief: Say only what’s needed.
Be Informative: Stick to facts, no emotion.
Use a Friendly tone: Keep a neutral, courteous tone.
Stay Firm: Set boundaries and do not invite further discussion.

“It is a strange thing we do, blaming ourselves when people hurt us, but we all do it.”
― Jodi Aman

Engaging with yourself

Abuse erodes your sense of reality, identity, and self-worth. These tools help you hold onto your truth and slowly rebuild confidence from the inside out.

Affirmations of Worth

Abuse feeds shame and self-doubt.

Replace those internalised messages with new ones.

Repeat affirmations like:

“I am not the version they painted.”
“I am worthy of love and respect.”

Say them daily — in the mirror, as phone reminders, or written down where you can see them.

Let repetition reshape your self-view over time.

Reaffirm Your Reality

Gaslighting can make you question your memory and instincts.

Keep a private, written, journal of what happened and how it made you feel.

Use it to ground yourself in the truth when you feel foggy, and read back over it when your version of events is under attack.

This helps you hold onto your perspective.

Emotional Ownership

Not every feeling is yours to carry.

It's critical to get curious about whether what you’re feeling is authentic — or strategicly manipulated. [See here for more on the Framework]

[See here for the Emotional Ownership template]

Ask yourself:

What am I feeling?
Why is this feeling so strong right now?
How was I made to feel this?
Who benefits from me feeling this?
So… should I really be feeling this?

Each time you do this, you’re breaking the cycle.

Don’t Seek Closure

Wanting answers is human — but abusive people rarely offer clarity, only more confusion.

Tell yourself, “Closure is not something they can give me.”

Instead, define closure as something you create through healing, not something they owe you.

This helps break the emotional loop.

Anchor to Core Values

Abuse can make you feel like you’ve lost yourself.

Reconnect with what matters most to you — kindness, truth, freedom, safety.

Write down 3–5 core values. When things feel messy or you’re doubting your choices, return to those values.

Let them be your compass, especially when the abuser tries to derail your judgment.

[See here for a therapy goal worksheet]

Practise Self-Compassion

Self-blame thrives in abusive environments.

Interrupt it by asking, “What would I say to a friend in this situation?”

Then offer yourself the same kindness. Say things like:

“I was doing the best I could with what I had.”
“It wasn’t my fault.”

Self-compassion helps you start unlearning internalised guilt.

Ground Yourself in the Present

When panic hits or trauma takes over, bring yourself back into your body. Use techniques like:

5-4-3-2-1: Naming five things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2, you can smell, and 1 you can taste
Running cold water over your hands
Slowing your breath with a 4-4-4 count

This calms your nervous system and keeps you from spiralling into old fear loops.

Limit Self-Blame

Abusers twist reality until you believe it’s all your fault.

When that voice creeps in, ask: “Would a healthy person have treated me that way?”

Remind yourself: their behaviour was their choice.

Naming that truth can help loosen guilt and restore clarity.

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Disclaimer: This website offers peer-informed education and resources. It is not a substitute for legal or clinical advice. If you are in danger or experiencing a crisis, please seek immediate professional help.

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